Non-stop One Liners

Post a funny/witty one liner/small story joke(s) here. No knock knocks or I knock you one.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
"Can you move? You're in my son."

An Irishman walking out of a bar sober.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

I like my ladies like I like my fenceboards, flat and ready to be nailed.

( God Schizo would kill me. )

You have not enough Pylons.

If a tree falls on a mime in the middle of the forest, does he/she make a sound?

Every time a loner smiles a puppy dies.

Do homeless people get knock knock jokes?

When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he doesn't push himself up, but pushes the world down.

I'm not racist. Infact, I love black people. I think everyone should have one!

[It's a joke, no offense.]

When in Rome do as the Romans do. When in Soviet Russia do everything backwards.

If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.

When the Athiest cries out "Holy shit!" he just found religion.

Science, Religion, and Politics some things that should never be crossed together but do so all the time.
Religious Science is just plain Hypocritical....

If I was your pimp, i'd be so rich right now

something that nine out of ten people really enjoy.... Gang rape.

Singing Group: Oh Tannenbaum, Oh Tannenbaum.

Person: What the hell's a tannin' bomb?

1: Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
2: Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
3: Chuck Norris once killed a priest over the argument, who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris?
4: A blind man once looked at Chuck Norris and could see. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris immediately roundhouse-kicked him in the face, blinding him. Now everyone knows, "The Chuck giveth, the Chuck taketh away."
5: Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Not having homework over winter break.

good judgment comes from bad experience, bad experience comes from bad judgment

Greatest pick up line ever:

"I hear you're looking for a stud. Well I got the STD, all I need is U."

Being Rick Rolled' sucks. Rick Rolling someone is awesome.